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Jonah's Issues

A Strong Economy
A strong economy is essential for the health and well-being of the people of New Hampshire. Our key industries such as maple syrup, tourism, and others must thrive if our state is going to be economically healthy. Take one example: maple syrup. Basically, it’s tree sap that you can sell. Maple syrup is, literally, money that grows on trees. And the great thing about maple syrup is that, unlike other kinds of tree sap, it actually tastes good. And New Hampshire maple syrup is the best tasting maple syrup of all. Try it on a stack of pancakes or something else that maple syrup goes on and I think you’ll agree.

Tourism is another way that we can basically get money for nothing. When tourists come to New Hampshire, they bring money they earned in other states and spend it in our state. Think about it. All that Missouri and Oklahoma money just pouring into our schools, parks, and poor people. We need to do everything we can to boost tourism.

One of the wisest people I know is my mom, a native New Hampshirer who endured a great deal of adversity while raising me. And do you know what she thinks is vitally important for the economic health of New Hampshire? Outlet stores.

In conclusion, as a Congressman from New Hampshire I am often asked if maple syrup should be refrigerated after it’s opened. The answer is yes.

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I am very proud that one of my nicknames in Congress is “the Education Congressman.”

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As someone who has not simply beaten cancer but utterly destroyed it, I have one simple message: “Hey Cancer! Guess what? This time it’s personal!” But my policies regarding cancer and health care in general are not just a result of my own triumph. I understand how important good health is to the people of New Hampshire and our neighboring states.

Health care is very complicated. It’s really too complicated for any one congressman to cope with. For this reason, I have adopted a two-pronged approach toward health care policy:

1.) Work with other Congressmen on both sides of the aisle

2.) Focus on “what you know,” in my case cancer.

I have literally looked cancer in the eye and I know what a harsh mistress she is. More federal funds are needed. And more hospitals. But people also need to learn how to examine themselves. There are lots of great videos on-line that show men how to examine their balls and women how to examine their breasts. Women can also learn how to examine each other’s breasts from watching the videos, though you have to use your imagination a bit.

Thank you

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Caring for Our Seniors and Our Veterans
As someone who has not simply beaten cancer but utterly destroyed it, I have one simple message: “Hey Cancer! Guess what? This time it’s personal!” I bring the same passion and energy that I brought to my successful battle with cancer to caring for our senior citizens and veterans who really have a lot of problems.

(One kind of funny example is that my grandfather (who was also a Coast Guard veteran) used to drop his glasses in the toilet all the time when he would stand over it to pee. Every time he would go to the bathroom we would wait to hear a splash and then a “Goddammit!” and then completely crack up. It didn’t happen all the time maybe about one out of every six or eight times he went to the bathroom. But obviously that’s still too often and this is a good example of a problem that senior citizens (and maybe some of our veterans) have.)

Rather than pointing fingers, I prefer to be all about solutions, although there are certain problems that old people have like the glasses/toilet thing that are hard to fix. One great solution that I strongly support is giving stray dogs to veterans. The same kind of thing might work for old people.

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Tip Jars
Tip Jars are spreading across the face of America like pimples across the face of a pimply teenager!

You know what I’m talking about, right? Those jars that people in fast food places or even stores put next to the cash register with a funny sign on them like “Employee Incentive Plan” or “March of Dimes” or sometimes just “Tips.” I believe that anyone who puts out a tip jar really has a lot of nerve. But, just as strongly, I believe that anyone who puts any money, no matter how little, in a tip jar is encouraging not only an immoral and dishonest practice but the further spread of tip jars themselves.

Compare tip jars to a panhandler’s upturned hat. Each nickel that you drop in buys you what, exactly? That’s right. Nothing but more panhandlers. That’s about 20 panhandlers per dollar. And where would those 20 panhandlers take that dollar? Right again. To the liquor store. So don’t blame me when your neighborhood is nothing but panhandlers sitting in front of liquor stores. Don’t say, “it’s not my fault! All I did was drop a nickel in a bum’s hat! I felt sorry for him!” Well, I feel sorry for you.

Tips are for when you are eating at a fancy restaurant with a waiter who waits on you or riding in a taxi with a driver who drives you or in an old-fashioned hotel with a bell hop who hops the bell. They are not for someone who gives you change after you pay for a slice of pizza or someone who sells you a melon. They are for shoe shine boys and barbers. Not travel agents or doctors.

Also, let’s watch it with the over-tipping. 15% is fine. If you give more than that, it’s a slippery staircase and soon we’re all forced to tip 18% or more.

What can government do? How about imposing a 200% tax on any money collected in tip jars? That way for every dollar you put in the tip jar, the owner of the tip jar would have to pay the government $2. It would be a great way to fund a lot of important projects and also strengthen our military.

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School Lunches

There’s an old saying that Washington, DC is a “land of a thousand experts.” Well, when it comes to school lunches, it seems like everyone is an expert! And they all have different opinions which are mostly that school lunches need to be more healthy.

But it seems like all these so-called “experts” forgot to ask the real experts: the children.

Here’s one thing I know from personal experience, the one way to absolutely guarantee that a kid won’t eat anything is to tell him that it’s good for him. French fries – hooray! Brussels sprouts – no way! Ice cream sandwiches – hooray! Radishes – no way! All that shit at 7-11 – hooray! Space food sticks – no way!

If we want kids to eat in school, why not let them decide what they want to eat? But you know what? We don’t need to let them decide because we know already. And it isn’t carrots, which just end up getting thrown in the garbage.

Let’s “get real” and start passing a few laws that make sense for a change! And let’s start with a law about getting rid of laws about healthy school lunches.

Are you with me? Let me know!

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